For Deb

For the most part, we live in the moment, simply going through the motions because it is easier to do than trying to explain or discover why we are here. That big question. What's our purpose? Why am I here? Seconds go by, in the car, in the kitchen, senseless minutes that we will never be able to get back. They are all lost in an infinite existence close to our minds, our memory. Sometimes I take particular notice to those seconds, the ones I unintentionally just paid absolutely no mind to and I pick them apart, set them aside, *like the black jellybeans in the fish bowl. Remember those waiting-room distraction books at the dr's office? You open the book, study a scene until you believe 110% that you have memorized that entire scene to the last piece of grass, and you continue on to the next page to answer a few simple questions: how many ducks were in the pond? was the mailbox open or closed? what color was the mailbox?
.....................

And about 5 seconds ago you could have made a sworn statement and described that entire scene to the investigation ward at the precinct but now, with that list of questions and words and proclaimed images in your head, you have NO IDEA. Your heart races. You feel dumb, and that deep urge to turn the page, just a small peak to trigger your memory, starts to eat at you. If you just see a flash, you just know that you will remember that the mailbox was green or that it was open. But in real life, this life, there is no way to peak back and study those scenes that we so utterly believed we would remember for the rest of our lives.


I have this notion instilled that maybe it is better to live in your head than to live in the world. Things, people, places, they never go away in your head, well, that is, when you think about them so much. They never get snatched away, you never have to say goodbye or goodnight, or worry about them leaving you, hurting you. They are there and the only thing that can change that is you. Unfortunately, that is the nature of life. I know that my two friends are hurting tremendously and surely, there is nothing anyone can say or do to help them right now. In horrendous situations, I have always reminded myself of a certain phrase, "this too, shall pass," but I can't apply it this time.

Which brings me back to my first point. That stupid question. "Why?" It sounds so traditional to say, but she is/was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She had this way about her that made you open up, made you laugh, smile, no matter what, no matter how long it had been since you had last seen her. Of all people to be taken from them, us.... why her? There are thieves and derelicts and horrible people that are given the chance everyday to live through those unsurpassed moments, not giving a split second to the thought of how good a home-cooked meal tastes, or a kiss on the forehead feels. I'm just heartbroken right now. Heartbroken for Nicole and Dana and F. For all the hundreds of people that came to say goodbye and goodnight to Deb, their mother, best friend, heart and soul. For her sisters and brothers and nieces and nephews. For her long-time AND new-school friends. She sure did accomplish more than a lifetime at the age of 52. Unbelievable.



"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~Kahlil Gibran


I love you and miss you so much Deb!! XXOOXOXOOX